Mo-Ranch Identity Crisis: Classes Begin

In a small stone chapel at Mo Ranch in Hunt, Texas Tony, one of the theology professors from the seminary shared a sermon on on the mystery of identity. God's breathe, our animation, originates from the original mystery and just as God cannot be confined to definition, the same is so with our own identities. He began his sermon with something I had said the night before while we were engaged in a role playing card game called Munchkins. Several turns into the game I had not yet pulled an identity card from the stack. I did pull a monster card and immediately exclaimed "How can I fight a monster if I don't even know who I am". Of course it was a passing comment that I didn't think of again until Tony's sermon and I realized that many of my reflections and stories shared during orientation and the retreat were centered around the theme of a shifting identity. With the start of seminary I feel that I am leaving my old life, parts of myself that I admire and am attached to and am stepping into unfamiliar shoes that I am not confident will support the my path or even look good on me. Tony's point was that we are challenged to confront the world, live out our truth or fight the monster weather we know who we are or not. Waiting for a better understanding of ones' self would be like waiting to really know God before facing and loving the world.

Across the Guadalupe River from Mo-Ranch there is a labyrinth outlined in brick buried in the sun baked earth. Patches of wildflowers grew around the clearing that was hugged by straggly junipers, a prickly pear cactus covered hill and streams of blinding sun. After a week of new student orientation at the seminary and a full day of new student retreat at Mo-Ranch I was ready for silence and a walk through the labyrinth. I began my slow circular walk, loving the certainty of moving along a path that had no options except to go forward or backwards. There are no wrong turns in a labyrinth, there is just one path that counter-intuitively leads one to the center and back out again. Within my first few steps I observed a wave of attachment to the path and the anticipation of the stillness awaiting in the center. This attachment lead to a bit of anxiety around the obvious set length of the labyrinth's path and the inevitable end to the stillness I was moving towards. This is not unlike the emotions of beginning seminary. The temporary nature of this academic community and this stage in my process of discernment as I know it begins to change the way the ground meets my feet.

Another theme that keeps running through my conversations at the seminary is that of scarcity. Several drinks into an evening during the retreat, I toasted to "no scarcity" and my new friends laughed because they had already heard me remind myself and others, multiple times, that God will provide and there is and will be no scarcity of time, food, money or any resources. Especially while pressed by tight finances it is important for me to remember the the nature of our post-scarcity gospel;“Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful. “Do not judge, and you will not be judged; and do not condemn, and you will not be condemned; pardon, and you will be pardoned. “Give, and it will be given to you. They will pour into your lap a good measure—pressed down, shaken together, and running over. For by your standard of measure it will be measured to you in return.” Luke 6:36-8 It is interesting being on the receiving end of others kindness and relying on their generosity to meet basic needs. Before, while at the Catholic Worker I was the giver- but here in this position I have a different perspective on "mutual aid".

I kept hearing from people that God will bring like minds and spirits into my life, He has begun; I made friends with young activist who is well read in theology and has traveled extensively. She needs assistance with some basic things given her physical disability, so I have been helping her in the mornings and evenings for money, but more importantly we share many interests in common. Her perspective on inclusiveness in the church is eye opening for me- I had no idea that folks with physical disabilities have been excluded from the church and have experienced a form of belittlement or labeling as less than a whole person, based on scriptural stories of healing. When she came to visit me at the seminary I realized that she didn't have access to my apartment and could hardly get into the campus. I felt terrible, but she was not surprised- this is the norm for most institutions of higher learning. I have a feeling our relationship will help me to once again consider the many privileges I enjoy and become more aware of the ways the church and myself personally may be excluding others or robbing them of their humanity and in turn cheating us both out of meaningful relationship.

This week begins classes, but the assigned readings and papers have already begun. I wrote my first paper on the theology of Desmond Tutu and think it went over well (we will receive lettered grades, much to my dislike, but did not for this first assignment). I have a full schedule this semester taking 16.5 credits. My classes are as follows: Biblical Languages of Preaching and Teaching, Hebrew, History and Hermeneutics, Spiritual Formation of the Person, Liturgical Music, Text and Context: Tools for Experiential Learning, Intro to History of Christianity, Writing for Ministry and Liturgy and Ascesis. After these weeks of exploring Austin, making friends, picking up odd jobs and relaxing I am ready to get to work. These coming weeks will be busy, so please keep me in your prayers.